Making things last a long time

Things that have lasted a long time

“You don’t have to explain yourself to them”, my friend Robert says about old friendships. I’ve been home in Vancouver lately, and it’s been really comforting hanging out with friends I’ve known for years. When I show up 30 minutes late, I realize they all showed up late, expecting that I’d be late. When I send them 20 texts in a row, they don’t complain, they just know that that’s what I do. When we play a social deduction game like Avalon or Among Us, they can call me out right away for lying. Unlike with strangers, where I fare decently in these games.

These friendships just work by default because over the years, we’ve actively chosen to see each other again and again. We were not bound by any structure like school or work setting; perhaps at first we were. We really enjoy our time together and vibe well with each other's characters; otherwise we would’ve lost touch a while ago. It feels comfortable, safe, and reciprocal. To get anything to this level of knowledge takes years, and a lot of time spent together, across different situations and through a person's highest highs and lowest lows. To really know a person's character, values, inner workings require time, and there is no shortcut. Ok, maybe traveling together is a good qualifier.

It’s silly to believe, then, that in relationships, hobbies, or work that we can determine how great something would be based on the first encounter. And how we would declare that we would spend the rest of our lives doing it or seeing someone. I’m realizing lately that things often don’t work like that. It takes time to get to know someone really well, to know their values, to see how they behave and react across all these different settings. Over time is how we observe our illusion of someone gets morphed into the reality of someone. Although sometimes this option is cut short and the illusion never materialized into reality, so you’re stuck with this illusion of perfection forever. Left wondering “what if” you chose that career path, or what if you ended up with that someone. An unlimited number of what ifs, with every yes denoting a hundred nos.

So by this logic then, no I don’t believe in love at first sight.

But how romantic is it when a man say with high conviction that he knew that was the woman he’d be with the moment they met. When a founder dedicates their whole life to a mission. Maybe I’ve watched too many romantic movies; or perhaps just The Notebook and Pride & Prejudice too many times. But it’s just like how logically I’m supposed to believe in randomness over fate or luck, I still like to believe I’m a really lucky person.

At the end of the day, we all want to be deeply understood, be cared about, and feel significant. Answering each other's bids for affection, meeting each other's love languages, being there for each other, and thoroughly delighting and entertaining each other. It feels like the best relationships make the highs higher and the lows not so low. When someone is there for you at your lowest, you never forget them; it makes you feel like you’re not all alone in the world after-all. And I think all of these minute, meaningful moments add up to how you feel towards someone or something.

Making things last a long time

If we want any relationship between us and another person, or even us to have a job that lasts a long time, it requires values alignment and ensuring all our needs are met.

When values align, the things they do make our respect for them grow over time. Just by simply being themselves. When values align, you don’t have disagreements over the same topics again and again, the underlying disagreement being the difference in values. When values align, you trust them, and you know how they would act across all time and situations. When values align, you don’t have to explain yourself; like why you made a certain decision or why you behaved a certain way in a situation. They trust your decisions, and they understand why you made that decision, and in turn, you feel deeply understood. They forgive you and accommodate you when you make unsound decisions because they know what you did was due to the circumstances or emotions in the heat of the moment, and not who you are. When values align at work, there’s a sense of purpose, and you want to work hard for the company's mission and to not let your teammates down.

When it comes to values, people can’t be changed and people shouldn’t have to change. Values are at the core of a person and are integral to who they are. Even when our behaviours have changed when we’re in a relationship to suit another’s values, we’re still the same underlying person, with the same underlying values. Therefore, it means that regarding behavioural change in relationships, you’d have to police them across all different situations, and potentially be ok with them acting in accordance with their values when you’re not watching. Of course, people can change; the inertia is just too strong and would require an intense motivation for a person to change something that has been part of them for decades.

In case you’re curious, I quickly put together a list of my values, subject to revision: Honesty & Transparency, Generosity, Health, Loyalty, Growth/上进心, Integrity, Compassion, Discipline, Fairness, Optimism, Forward-Thinking/远见. After writing it out, it explained a lot about the people in my life and the people I’ve drifted apart from. It also seemed to explain the type of projects or hobbies that I’ve followed over the years.

I know my newsletter says, “making things last a long time”, but most of the time, two things really can’t be forced to go together. People need to be able to be their authentic selves and in their natural state, then also fitting together like puzzle pieces. An equilibrium state between two parties. Things aren’t very sustainable when it’s effortful and inauthentic all the time.

The second part of the equation to making things last is to ensure all our needs are met. To do so, we have to understand ourselves and the other party really well. Learning what types of things makes us uncomfortable or upset later, and learning to draw the boundary from doing those things, then communicating it effectively to others. If we do things that give up our needs or are misaligned with our values for too long, it creates resentment. This resentment builds and boils over time, and it just makes us not see the person or job for who they are or what it is anymore. They become the enemy and the source of our turmoil. Not to mention, doing things that don't align with your values for too long, make you lose respect for yourself.

When needs are not met, love disappears

The balance needs to be right for any two things to come together and sustain itself in the long run. Both parties' needs must be met, not all by one person, of course. Not in an unhealthy codependency type of way because we can’t rely on a person or a job to fulfill all of our needs. Moving from a codependency to being an independent individual with boundaries is the shift from: "I'll take on this discomfort for you" to: "I'll sit in this discomfort with you". Our lives are meant to be full regardless of this one thing we’ve fixated on, and our needs to be met by a composition of friends, family, community, work, yourself, etc.

hmmm

I have to admit, I have a tendency to look at everything from a logical perspective. But lately, some friends have taught me to pay attention to my gut feeling. Like how if I’m lying awake all night thinking about it anxiously, something’s probably not right. If I want to run away, it’s likely not right. If I’m always worrying about it in the back of my mind for months on end, I don't have to say things are alright. If I have my guard unrealistically high and just can’t seem to trust it, I’m probably right. Sometimes the body just knows. Sometimes a person or a thing just comes down to a feeling, and there’s no explanation needed. And sometimes it just feels right.